Yes, I live a crazy life. It has been WAY more than crazy over the last 11 weeks, that is for sure. I haven’t had the time to actually sit down and finish a blog over the last 2 months or so. I have started several of them- especially when I was feeling overwhelmed, but time got in the way and I was never able to finish them. They truly talk about how exhausted I had been feeling, and I plan on sharing them below. I feel like it’s important to be truthful about how I have been feeling over the last 11 weeks because there are people who feel that way, but try to hide it because they are afraid what other people might think about them if they share those feelings.
Today, I am taking the time to sit down and write. I don’t have a lot of time to do it, but it is important. 2017, marks a significant turning point in my life- one where I have chosen a leadership role, which is WAY outside my comfort zone. I NEVER in my life, thought of myself as a leader, but here, I find myself leading an amazing group of people, the Hendersonville RUnning Club. What an honor! This year, has been marked with tragedy, which has allowed me to not only lead a group of people, but to bring everyone together, to unify them. Tragedy, death, is a very difficult time in an intimate group of people. So, just being there for people seems small, but yet worth so much. I had the privilege of pulling together a run, for a beloved friend of ours, who was battling on the last legs of his life, with colon cancer. With reaching out to the running community, local community, and family, we gathered 90+ people! And that was only with 5 days notice! As the leader of the running club, and the organizer of the event, I had to speak. Well, public speaking is NOT my thing. I actually do anything to try to avoid it. But, there was no avoiding it. I wrote my speech the night before. There were several different variations of course. I wasn’t sure if Charlie would make it to the run, and honestly, I wasn’t sure that he would survive the night. I didn’t sleep much at all that night- I just kept thinking about Charlie, and the battle he was fighting. I was grateful to get to run 8 miles beforehand, which definitely helped to diminish my nerves. When I spoke, I didn’t feel nervous, I didn’t have hands that were shaking uncontrollably, I didn’t feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I just… spoke. I can honestly say, that was probably the first time in my life, that I had that kind of confidence. Of course I was a bit nervous looking into the crowd, but I did it.
Here are some of the partial blog posts that I had written over the last 2 months. You can see where my mentality was then, but as you read above, you can see where my mentality is now.
January 24, 2017
Ever feel like your world is closing in on you and you are stuck in the center? That is how I have felt over the last 4 weeks! It is so hard to imagine how things can be the “normal crazy” and then just become insane.
Being a caretaker is hard work!! People aren’t given enough credit when they help take care of others. I can tell you, that as a mom of 3 with an injured husband, it is INSANE!!! The workload doesn’t just double because your husband is injured- it seriously quadruples!! No joke. I didn’t realize how much Rob did and how much we did as a team, until he couldn’t do it anymore. It would be hard enough with just 2 of us, but then throw 3 very sports-active children in the mix and the walls come crumbling down!!
There were several nights that I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t get everything done that needed to get done. It was impossible. Even staying up til 11-11:30pm just wasn’t enough. My house is constantly in disarray. It’s actually embarrassing.
It’s not only the house surrounding me. It’s watching my husband’s world collapse. Take a 60+ mile per week ultramarathoner, break them, and tell them to sit in a chair for a month. Not good! Both psychologically and physically. I have had to watch him suffer too and that just makes me so sad.
January 24, 2017
I listen to a podcast from Kerri Walsh Jennings today on Rich Roll. I felt so connected to her. She talked about how on the days when she works, she has a little bit of energy leftover for her kids, and then when they go to bed, she has no energy left for her husband. I have felt this way for a while, then multiply that by 100 over the last 6 weeks!
I am just exhausted ALL of the time! On my “days off”, it just doesn’t seem like there is any actual time off.
February 6, 2017
How are we doing?
This is a question that I get daily from friends and family. I am so grateful that everyone takes the time to check in on our after the collision that my family had 7 weeks ago. I don’t know how we would have made it this far without family and friends by our side. I try to
I look at time at this point as B.C. (Before Collision) and A.C. (After Collision). That day, has been a defining moment in our lives- NOT in a good way, unfortunately.
Before, we were able to live our lives “normally”, well, as normal as it was for us. We were lucky that we didn’t struggle on the day to day, but NOW, it’s a different story. We have spent the last 6 1/2 weeks as a single car family- very difficult, to say the least when you have kids in 3 different sports, going in different directions. But, we now have a car. With a car, comes more payments…. which is a HUGE source of stress for me. Finances weren’t an issue for us, B.C. In fact, we are savers. I always try to save for a rainy day. And thank goodness, because this has taken a lot out of our savings.
People ask are you ok. Well no, actually I’m not ok. I will keep putting on my fasad that I am so things can “feel” normal… but they aren’t. I couldn’t be more lost. I don’t sleep. I have crazy dreams. I’m exhausted all the time. I feel like I’m in psycho-bitch mode most of the time. To top it off, my 6y/o told me the other day that I am like Raven from Teen Titans because I yell all the time! Wow!! Eye-opening. And it was so innocently that she said it. That is not who I want to be. I just want to be me again I feel like that person has gotten lost in this AC time period.
So, my mental state has changed a bit. One and a half weeks ago, a switch was flipped in my brain by an event. I have a new mindset. I fee more CONFIDENT. I feel STRONGER. I feel EMPOWERED. I will NEVER QUIT. I am using these to change my mindset. I know that I can accomplish more things. I feel like my path in life is still being carved out. Yes, I am a mom, a runner, a doctor, a wife, a writer. But, I am so much more. I feel like there is a whole other aspect that hasn’t even been explored: with marketing, planning, leading. I am looking to explore all of these new aspects of my life. Maybe there is a future in those, and my life will take a different path than where it has been all these years. But, who knows? I never thought I would be on the path that I am on currently. But, I am glad that I am here being given new chances. New opportunities, new choices. It’s all opening up in front of me. I just have to keep my eyes open.